“Yeah, but...": When All Your Suggestions Fall Flat
- Jul 5, 2024
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 29
Writer Name: Shannon Freud, MSW, RSW
How to support your kids (or those for whom you are caring), based on their needs?
Key Takeaways
1. Identify what your kid needs from you
2. Types of help - problem solving
3. Types of help - listening, validating, observing
4. Last type of help - being with them, bearing witness to their experience
What does your kid need from you?
So, they tell you the whole scenario, how they're feeling about it, maybe you'll ask some questions to get clarity. Then comes the time when it feels like they're asking what to do, how to deal with the situation. None of your suggestions seem to suit them. "Yeah, that's a good idea, except..," "I tried that," "I don't feel comfortable doing that"
Your suggestions and ideas might even be met with frustration - this is a clear indicator that they need something different than what they're getting. So, how do you deal with this situation?
It might help to identify first what your kid needs from you. Try "I want to make sure that I'm most helpful for you, so I just want to ask what you need from me?"
Keep in mind that it's okay to ask at any point in the conversation, but it will be most helpful at the beginning
They might not know what would be helpful or what they need. Asking just to sit with them in their struggle might be enough for them
Problem-solving help
This type of help can be very satisfying to provide for your loved ones, because there seems to be a clear goal (something different from the problem). From there, you can figure out together how to find solutions.
Steps for problem-solving
Identify the problem
Identify what the opposite of their problem could be - ask them what their ideas or options are, where they would like to see themselves in the future, how they imagine life when they've made a decision, or know what to do
What are the options for dealing with the problem?
Are there other options you might be missing - this is a good opportunity to brainstorm (every idea is a good idea, in this process!)
Venting
Or maybe they just need to vent; In this case, they're not looking for solutions. If you can identify this with them, your role will be easier, because you can sit back and listen to their story.
Keep in mind...
You don't need to feel pressure to help them find solutions. This is a great opportunity to practice https://www.shannonfreudcounselling.com/post/active-listening-is-the-gold-standard
Sometimes, talking through how you're feeling can be the biggest help - hearing something when you say it out loud can help to understand it in a different way.
Reflecting back to your kid how they're feeling can help them feel ready to find solutions
Conclusion
There are times when your kids will reach out for support; they're looking to you for help with some problem they're having. I always love when my kids come to me about their struggles and squabbles. It feels like an honour that they're asking me, and including me in their lives. I hope that this article has helped to guide you in supporting your kid.
Check in with them on how they're feeling at the end, compared to the beginning of chatting with you. What are some next steps for them, even if it's just what they're going to do after the chat? Thank them for opening up, and welcome them back to chatting when they want to again (or whatever feels natural for you).
Keyword: kids' needs
Related keywords: support, understand, listen, validate, problem-solve
