Sibling Rivalry
- shannonfreud
- Jun 1
- 5 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Writer Name: Shannon Freud, MSW, RSW
Keyword: siblings, sibling rivalry
Related keywords: brother, sister, sibling fights, family rivalry
What to do when it feels like World War III at home
Key Takeaways
1. Sibling rivalry vs. kids being kids
2. Why are my kids fighting so much?
3. When should I intervene?
4. Will my kids outgrow this stage?
Sibling rivalry vs. kids being kids
Arguments and fighting between siblings are common - and help young people learn about conflict. At which point (or points) do the parents/caregivers need to intervene?
Possibly not as early as you'd think:
Kids need a chance to advocate for themselves, and sort things out with each other - so that they can learn how to do that, and apply it to other situations in their lives
Intervene if the advocacy becomes violent (separate them, and let them know it's to allow them both to cool off, and hurting each other is not okay)
If you hear raised voices, that is likely an indicator that the problem is deepening, and it's a good time to step in to help
If you're stepping in to mediate, allow each kid to state their case, and listen without trying to solve the problem (keep in mind that this is THEIR problem, not yours, so only they can resolve it). Ask them how they'd like to handle it - what are their options? They might need some time to cool off before having this conversation. If your kids are younger, they might need more guidance
In Wolf's "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!": The Solution to Sibling Bickering, he asks some interesting questions: "How else will they ever learn to work through anything on their own? Maybe just as important, how will you ever learn that they can? You want to allow much of the bickering to just play itself out" (pg. 29)
Why are my kids fighting so much?
Temperament, learning communication skills, their environment
Help your kids grow by understanding the following:
Temperament involves personality traits that influence how a person responds to the world around them
Kids need to develop their communication skills. It helps to remember to be patient with them, as they are still learning
Our environment has a huge impact on how we learn to communicate and advocate for ourselves. Kids learn this by watching those around them, and testing out what they see with others
On the Spark & Stitch website, they note that "externalizing patterns, role modeling the process, and working together as a family to celebrate or to do something different can be powerful. Modeling that we are works-in-progress gives our kids permission to be the same."
Balance this idea with modeling the behaviours you'd like to see in them
When should I intervene?
How can parents know when to let their kids sort out their arguments on their own, and when it's time to step in and help them?
Consider the kids' ages, communication skill levels, and their temperaments
In the moment, separating the kids might be necessary - if there is a threat of harm, or if the bickering is bothering you (interfering with your concentration, for example). Otherwise, let them sort out their disagreements on their own. You might want to check in with them individually, to ensure that one kid isn't intimidating the other, and they can both manage the outcome
The messages you want to send are, violence is not tolerated, and the parent needs to protect their children from harm. Wolf notes that "for now, you want [your kid] to understand it is the parent's responsibility, and not the kid's, to [protect] the other sibling" (pg. 53)
If you intervene, make sure to focus on the facts (this will help prevent taking sides) - listen to both sides, and ask how they want to sort this out. Do they need a moment to cool their big feelings, and a break from each other, to think about it, and approach it from a calm place?
Help kids let go of the idea of fairness. They will not always get what they want, and sometimes, they need to be flexible, and learn to negotiate. For your kids to learn these things, it helps to provide a nurturing, and supportive environment, and be the soft place for them to fall, when they don't get what they want
Parents don't need to be perfect - we're human, after all. We DO need to create a safe environment, where kids feel comfortable talking to us about hard things
Will my kids outgrow this stage?
How can I help ensure my kids have a strong relationship? As they get older, and once their parents are gone, they'll have each other as family
Keep in mind that it's not all on you - in addition to their environment, and genes, their ages, temperaments, and individual self-awareness, are all factors in determining the strength of their relationship
Cultivating a supportive and nurturing environment for your kids, will help them to build strong relationships with each other. The younger the children are, the more their family is their entire world, and especially their primary caregivers. As we get older, our world expands. Kids need to feel physically and emotionally safe - on top of protecting them from physical harm, they need to know that they can count on you
show them affection
be honest, straightforward, consistent, and gentle with your communication
spend quality time together (reading together, playing together at their level, family activities)
allow and find opportunities for them to play and be kids - play time is when kids' brains grow, developing new neuropathways (which is how our brains grow and adapt to what we need from them)
According to webmd.com, sibling rivalry beyond childhood is often due to different treatment between them - whether that is real or perceived. There might be a lot to unpack for you and your family, if this is the case
Conclusion
While sibling rivalry can be frustrating for parents to witness, it's also a normal—and even valuable—part of childhood development. Learning how to manage conflict, express needs, and advocate for oneself are all essential life skills that kids can develop through bickering and disagreements. However, knowing when to step in is equally important. By paying attention to factors like temperament, communication abilities, and emotional maturity, caregivers can better determine when intervention is necessary to ensure safety and emotional wellbeing. Ultimately, your goal isn't to eliminate conflict, but to guide your children through it—helping them develop empathy, resilience, and a strong foundation for their lifelong relationship.
