Couples Therapy
Virtual in Ontario
Why do couples come to therapy?
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“Our relationship is worth saving, and we’re also struggling with the ins and outs of the relationship.”
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“We both love and care about each other, want the same things, like companionship, partnership, and have many shared values. But when we bring ourselves, and our histories into our arguments, the same concerns keep coming up. Maybe we need someone to help us get past these concerns.”
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“It’s like we’ve lost our spark. It’s not exciting between us anymore, just day in, day out.”
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“We want to explore the possibility of opening our relationship, but we’re worried about how that will have an impact on our bond.”
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“My partner had an affair, and now I can’t trust them.”
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“I had an affair, because I’ve been trying to express myself with my partner, and felt like it always went nowhere. I didn’t know what else to do.”
Do any of these statements sound like your relationship?
How can a therapist help?
A therapist can help you identify your goals for therapy, strengths, obstacles, and with all of that information, they will help you to find your path to those goals.
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​Individual needs may be related to attachment styles, and learning about each others’ needs can help you to respond to each other in supportive ways. Sometimes, couples struggle with expressing their needs, and also understanding the needs of their partner. What gets in the way? A therapist can help you and your partner(s) sort all of this out.
Understanding and validation
The first obstacle that might be getting in the way of you and your partner sorting through your struggles is understanding. Do you and your partner understand the issue from each other’s perspectives? An exercise you can try with each other, or with a therapist, is to identify each other’s perspectives – how do each of you conceive of the issues you’re facing together? Can you reflect with each other how you think the other sees the situation? How much/little do your perspectives match?
Levels of validation
Validation can be a tricky thing, because it means guessing what the other person is thinking, and feeling. And we can’t always get that right. I know that there have been moments when even I haven’t gotten in right – and I validate people all of the time! What matters most is that you’re trying to understand, and show them that. To do this, Marsha Linehan, the developer of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, notes the levels of validation:
Show interest, and be present.
This might mean setting aside your task in the moment, especially if it involves something cognitive. If you already have something on your mind, or can’t put away what you’re doing, it might be difficult to be present in that moment. Being honest with yourself, and your partner, can be helpful. Find a time to chat when you’re both in the right headspace.
Pay attention
A therapist can be most helpful in these situations, too, because sometimes partners respond more to their own inner turmoil, rather than what their partner said. Having an outside, unbiased person to help you navigate this is so important.
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Reflect what they say,
check that you got it right
Paraphrasing can help with this – “what I’m hearing you say is … Did I get that right?” This is not the time to correct them, or tell your perspective – validation is all about showing you understand what they are saying.
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Pay attention to what is not being said
how are their facial expressions, body language, what else do you know about them already?
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Put yourself in their shoes.
Try to imagine how they might feel. This can be so difficult if you’re upset with each other. It’s hard to imagine your partner’s situation when you’re feeling hurt by, or disconnected from them. If you’re not in a place where you can validate, take some time to breathe through it, and come back to the conversation.
Consider their history, and the circumstances
This is the type of validation that takes the most cognitive understanding of the situation; the rest are more about connecting with the feelings and thoughts, while this level is about understanding their feelings, thinking, and actions, as valid responses to current facts.
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The skills I’ve talked about here are common obstacles for couples, and can contribute to their arguments. Learning how to argue, so that you can understand and validate each other, will absolutely help you to build a stronger bond. Even while couples might know these strategies, having an outside perspective can often be helpful.
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Sometimes, couples have deeper concerns, and need help getting to the bottom of them. If this is the case, please get in touch, and let me help you sort through this together.