
Author: Shannon Freud, MSW, RSW
Keyword: active listening
Related keywords: listening to understand, understanding, validating
Key Takeaways
1. What is active listening
2. Reserving judgment
3. Reflecting content
4. Reflecting feelings
What is active listening?
It is a way of listening to someone in which you engage with them, and attune to them. You are able to give your full attention. Therapy can help you to do this, as you can further connect with your own feelings, as you support your kid.
Active listening helps your conversation partner to feel heard and understood
Active listening makes it easier to resolve problems when you know, and understand the full picture
Pay attention to their body language, tone of voice - these can tell you some important information, like how your kid truly feels about an issue
It can be useful when trying to help your kid in these situations; sometimes active listening is all your kid might need: https://www.shannonfreudcounselling.com/post/yeah-but-when-all-your-suggestions-fall-flat
Active listening can also be useful in situations like in this article: https://www.shannonfreudcounselling.com/post/my-kid-just-told-me-something-huge
Reserving judgment
This is one of the main elements of active listening, and often easier said than done!
The quickest way out of judgment is to be curious. What more can you find out about what your conversation partner is telling you? What else would help you to better understand their situation?
Check in with yourself, about what thoughts or ideas you already might have - can you refresh yourself, so that you might let those go?
Reflecting content
Reflect back to your conversation partner what you heard them say.
This will help ensure you got it right what they said, and provide an opportunity to clarify
Hearing what they said repeated back to us, helps us to process the content
For example,
Kid: When I got to school this morning, I was looking for all of my friends, but it turns out that Samantha is at a different school this year, Joey moved to another city, and Kayla isn’t in any of my classes!
Mom: Oh wow… so, you were looking for your crew, and none of them were around.
Kid: I went to the park after school with my friend, and there was another kid there that we didn’t know, and he was bullying another kid on the playground.
Dad: Hmmm… so, you were at the playground after school, and you witnessed another kid getting bullied?
Reflecting feelings
What are the feelings behind what your kid is saying? This piece will help them to feel validated in their experience. Ultimately, validation affirms a person's experience, and helps them to feel less alone in it.
This is a bit harder to do than reflecting the content, because it takes more guess work. It's okay if you get it wrong - that's an opportunity for your kid to tell you more about their experience!
Try to imagine how you might feel, if you were to say the same statement
For example,
Kid: I just wanted to punch him in the face!
Dad: Oh wow… you felt that angry, eh?
Kid: None of my friends were around and I didn’t have anyone to play with at recess.
Mom: I bet you felt really lonely.
Kid: I was trying to get all of my work done so that I didn’t have to bring any of it home, but the teacher only gave us like, 5 minutes to do the work in class!
Dad: It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed that you couldn’t get your work done in time, and you didn’t feel it was fair for the teacher to only give you 5 minutes to do the work.
Conclusion
Keep in mind that active listening takes practice. It will be easier to do if you're feeling calm, and in the headspace where you're ready and able to hear what your kid has to say. If you're not in that place, it's okay to let your kid know that you'd like to chat with them, and maybe set a time when you can feel connected to them. Checking in with your kids to make sure that you have gotten it right will help you to improve with this skill. Providing and being open to hearing feedback is also a part of active listening.