Writer Name: Shannon Freud, MSW, RSW
Keyword: power struggles
Related keywords: parenting psychoeducation, resources for parents, stress management for parents
Understanding what is behind power struggles
Key Takeaways
1. How to identify a power struggle
2. Why do we engage in them?
3. How to avoid them
4. How to disengage while in the middle of a power struggle
5. Problem-solving with kids
Identifying a power struggle
Knowing that you're engaging in a power struggle, can help to resolve it. Here are some ways to know
A power struggle is a type of conflict, which can be sorted out. However, in continuing to engage in the tug-of-war, no one wins
When you think about the conflict, and one of you has “won,” or it is a stalemate, the relationship still suffers.
The issue may be minor (which clothes to wear, finishing dinner before dessert, coming home on time), or more intense (like eating disorders, and self-harming)
The underlying issue is that the child wants to have control in their decisions, and the parent or caregiver is unable to allow it
They can also occur between an authority figure and the individual who is subordinate to them, including teachers and other school authorities, and other family members. Any power struggle can feel incredibly stressful for everyone involved.
Why do we engage in them?
What we are really fighting for in power struggles
When we look at them this way, it might be easier to disengage a power struggle
From the kid’s point of view, she might have her mind set on doing an activity a certain way, he might just not like brushing his teeth, or they want to watch one more show before bed
Some kids can be very strong-willed, too, and they will fight with you about whatever they can. This can be a wonderful part of their personality – if it is channeled correctly. They have a passion, and a will to advocate for themselves (and sometimes, others, too)
For the parents or caregivers, they might want to set a precedent, or define a boundary. Both parent/caregiver and child are intensely connected to their perspectives, and cannot let go.
How to avoid power struggles
Empower your kids instead of engaging in power struggles
How to empower others:
Kids need choices. They need to feel a sense of agency in their own lives, even though many of their decisions are guided by the parents
Children do not have a whole lot of say when it comes to their routines and daily activities. They do not have a choice to brush their teeth, take a bath, go to bed, or go to school
If parents can find as many opportunities as they can to provide their kids with a sense of agency, fighting for it will not be as necessary for them
Also, when they have practice making choices for small things, that are age-appropriate, they will be more confident to make bigger decisions later on, like using substances or having sex.
How to disengage while in the middle of a power struggle
Letting go of the rope
Some strategies to keep in mind:
First and foremost, tune into yourself. Take some deep breaths, and try to recognize what is happening
Power struggles can often be heated and full of emotion. Negotiating and/or finding a solution can only happen when you are both calm. When you are both ready, think about the situation as one to problem-solve, rather than a fight that you need to win
Parents and caregivers often want to know what to say or do in the moment. To be honest, there are no exact right things to say in every situation, for every kid
It can help to point out what is happening, and that you both need a moment to cool off
Or to ask the kid what they need from you
The tricky part about this is that it can be so difficult to do when you are fully engaged in the struggle. Getting through this takes practice, and using your own coping and calming strategies in those moments will really come in handy
Problem-solving with kids
Finding solutions together
Make sure to be calm and relaxed, come back to the conversation if either of you are anything but...
First and foremost, make sure that everyone involved is in an emotional space that they are able to have a productive conversation. Also, check out the ways to validate, on the couples therapy part of my website https://www.shannonfreudcounselling.com/couples-therapy.
Identify the problem – what are your kid’s needs? What are your needs? When does this problem tend to happen?
Think of ideas together to resolve the problem (there are no bad ideas).
Choose the one that works for both of you. If you and your kid are having trouble finding one that works for both of you, try taking a break from the conversation, and come back to it after a while. You might come up with some other ideas to add.
Once you have put the best idea into practice, evaluate after a couple of days/weeks/months (depending on the situation, and the results you would like to see).
Conclusion
Therapy can help you to further understand, and recognize the power struggles happening in your family. Ultimately, with a goal of developing the relationship, I can help you to overcome these struggles with each other