Writer Name: Shannon Freud, MSW, RSW
Check out more about me here https://www.shannonfreudcounselling.com/about
Keyword: understanding, support, therapy in Ontario
Related keywords: connecting with your kids, understanding, family time, family support
Many factors can get in the way of your kid opening up. Here are some ideas of how to help them.
Key Takeaways
1. When you know something is wrong…
2. It's Not About You
3. Make yourself available
4. Keep the lines of communication open
When you know something is wrong…
You can tell that your kid is struggling with something, but talking to them about it seems to draw blanks. What are the obstacles getting in the way?
It might feel worrisome for parents to try talking to their kids, to keep coming up against one-word answers. What happened for your child to feel the need to pull away?
If they don't have the words to explain how they're feeling, are there other ways that they prefer to express themselves?
They might need to process their thoughts and feelings internally, before opening up about it. Do they need company while they're sorting it out?
It's Not About You
It can be easy to internalize and personalize that your kid isn't telling you what's going on for them.
It may be developmental, if your kid is at a stage (ahem, teenagers) when they value peer connections over family. This is a growing pain that can also be painful for the parents and caregivers.
Keep in mind that no matter how much you try to maintain open communication in your family, your kids may feel more comfortable going to anyone but you about questions, problems, and concerns. As those closest to them, they might want a more outside perspective.
As hard as it might be to swallow, it is not about you… and in fact, it is healthy and natural. It means that they are exploring their independence.
Sometimes, therapy can help to promote seeing these perspectives.
Check out http://www.self-compassion.org/ for more on integrating self-esteem and confidence.
Make yourself available
Try these ideas for letting your kid know you're available to talk
Letting your kid know that you are available and open-minded is a good starting point to helping them open up. Some parents and caregivers have found creative ways to do that:
giving them an item that means something to both of you, with instructions that if they have something to tell you, they can leave the item somewhere, and that means they would like you to ask them about it.
Going for a drive, or a walk, can help some kids open up - when they're not looking directly at you, it can be easier for them to talk through things.
Bedtime might be another opportunity to connect with your child, and let them know that you are available and open to listening to them. What kinds of bedtime routines do you have? Can you work a sharing time into it?
Keep in mind that this is not something that you want to push… that is the quickest way to get them not wanting to open up to you. However, if they do want to talk, they might need some encouragement; it could also help to give them opportunities to reach out.
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Even if they're not ready to open up just yet, talking about things that are separate from their problems can be effective, too. Whatever they have on their mind, could be taking up a lot of mental and emotional energy.
Open-ended questions will generate more conversation - questions that start with "tell me about..." and "what do you think about..."
Following are some questions to help keep the lines of communication open. They are meaningful questions that can help to give more than one-word responses. Hopefully, they can generate some discussion, or at least a good laugh with your kid – key to building supportive relationships. What was your favourite thing about today? What was the worst thing that happened today? Tell me about something funny that happened recently. What is something that you would like to remember about this time in your life? Which media personalities do you respect? What are some of your favourite qualities about other people? How do you think your friends see you? What would your grandparents say are your best qualities?
Conclusion
If they cannot talk to you, but it seems that they need someone to talk to, let them know that they can try calling Kids Help Phone (only available in Canada) at 1-800-668-6868, or find them on live chat at https://kidshelpphone.ca/. They might also want to talk to someone they can develop a relationship with over time, like a therapist. For more information on finding the right therapist for you, or your kids, check out my FAQs on my website https://www.shannonfreudcounselling.com/faq-s
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